I feel less motivated than before, partly because of the fatigue syndrome getting on to me. I know I shouldn't feel like that, esp since the postings are coming to an end and our medicine test is just two weeks away but i just can't seem to muster up that little energy left in me. I badly need a rest but time doesn't permit me to rest. As the days passed, i clerk less and less cases, preferring to bury myself in books instead or just slack that day away. I know this shouldn't be the way to go and i need to buck up asap, but that motivation or zest that I had before is evaporating at an outrageous speed.

I know what is ailing me. But I just can't overcome it. My willpower is just not strong enough. I forsee a storm brewing in the distant future but I am helpless. I just hope that I will have the mental strength to tide me through this "disaster" or at least prevent me from falling deeper into this bottomless pit. The Middle Path is so simple yet so complex. It's a thin line to tread - so easy to tip to one's excesses ... I have broken the promise made to myself repeatedly and I truly understand the difficulties faced by many. Who am i to judge them when I myself is full of flaws.
The reason why I stopped giving any talks unless there's a real need to do so because I found that I haven't been progressing much in my practise of dharma and i would be setting a real bad example to others if I give talks that I haven't adhered to and when I am no better than most ppl. It's regrettable that after two years, I am still stuck at this level of practise. I am giving myself excuses, caving into my wants. I long for peace and harmony in me... but paradoxically i am the very person to break that peace and harmony in me. I know what many pple would say: take it easy? But if i were to take it easy everytime when i break my precepts, what is the point of being a buddhist?

Maybe I should abandon the hope to attain Jhanas in this lifetime.

May everyone achieve that inner peace in them...